I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
