True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
