Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
