So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I love you.
Bad choice
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
