i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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