My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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