Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
