I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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