my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
