I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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