Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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