after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
33 Sex Crazed People That Are Going Balls Deep
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
21 Family Members Confess The Creepiest Things They Know About a Relative
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.