She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!