just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
