Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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