I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
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I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
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He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dicks are not precious.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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