If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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