I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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