it was like his penis was on wheels.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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