I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
