I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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