I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
