He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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