I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
