This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
