I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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