New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
