I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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