I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
