I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
