Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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