I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
