Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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