just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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