She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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