If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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