Are we in a gay sports bar?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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