i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
