What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
