I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
