I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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