U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
