Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she pinky promised me she was 18
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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