Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
