i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
