I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
