Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
