my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
