after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
