So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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