regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
