My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
