i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We were destined to go to rehab together
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
