i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
