Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This house was built for laser tag.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
