My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
