Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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