I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
