take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
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Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.