I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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