Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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